Hesitation

I should leave now. I really should. There’s nothing here to keep me. The party ended a long time ago. All that remains are the scattered crumbs of former pleasures: fading wine stains; crumpled beer cans; the faint scent of stale cigarettes.

I should leave. I  Should. Really. Leave. Now.

But still I hesitate. Pacing up and down our narrow hallway, rolling my black suitcase back and forth over the  red carpet. Occasionally a wheel snags on the frayed edges, causing me to pause in my pointless journey. As I stop to untangle it, I wonder why I am still here. It can’t be out of any desire to stay.  To remain in the hangover of a now that has long past the point of no return to what once was.

Perhaps I am tempted by the tantalising illusion that what might be. That somehow we could still create a future where the bitterness of now is long forgotten, replaced by a magic that could be even better than what once was.

Or is it fear holding me back? The sense that what will be is bound to be a hell far worse than what is. The terror that if I leave, I will find myself  yearning for the life I endure now, as much as I now long for the life that what once was.

From the kitchen, the oven clock beeps – seven o’clock – reminding me that the time to choose is passing. Before your feet tramp up the path, before your key turns in the lock I must be unpacked or be gone.

Back or Forth? Once or Future? Now or Never? It is time to make up my mind.

I really should be going.  Really. I should.

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9 thoughts on “Hesitation

  1. Tim scoops me again… I certainly didn't have any hesitation as to deciding which course of action the narrator should take.

    It was interesting this starts with an extended but not overtly identified metaphor, which is only exposed for what it is as more details get presented. Cool stuff.

    Like

  2. Thanks for the comments folks – yes I think I'm in the she should leave camp, but I've a feeling she doesn't…

    A ghost John? I hadn't thought of that – very Sixth Sense! I think though she's an ordinary mortal who's a bit lost. I'm curious to know what his take is on it…

    Like

  3. Thanks for the comments folks – yes I think I'm in the she should leave camp, but I've a feeling she doesn't…

    A ghost John? I hadn't thought of that – very Sixth Sense! I think though she's an ordinary mortal who's a bit lost. I'm curious to know what his take is on it…

    Like

  4. I really liked the opening description in this and how it's actually a much bigger deal to be leaving this “party”, her partner/husband.

    I enjoyed you taking us inside this character's mind as she sways between staying and going. I hope she's brave enough to leave, I think she really needs to.

    Like

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